It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
