The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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