i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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