his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
