I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
She just used a chaser for red wine.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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