somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
