Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
