The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
