I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
