i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
