it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
