Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
