i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
