and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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