no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
