the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
