You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
