I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
