I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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