I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
