I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
