Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
