I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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