Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
