You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
just tell him i said nine months
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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