Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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