big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
