God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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