my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
