I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
