Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
