i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
