Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
even my farts smell like vagina
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
