shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
