I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
