Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
