It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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