He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
