i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
