I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Randomize