Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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