I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
