and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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