I like to think it a success when the cops are called
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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