And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
