Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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