Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
