I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
