I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
