I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
