If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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