Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
