I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
her facebook's as public as her vagina
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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