So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
