Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
