WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
