Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
