I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
