I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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